I have always been more comfortable writing than speaking...well, almost always. My handwriting grades in fourth grade were low and I almost gave myself an ulcer because of them. But the sloppiness of my penmanship aside, give me a keyboard over a microphone any day. Part of that is the freedom of the Delete key and the ability to craft my ideas in their purest form. A large part, however, are the beliefs and perceptions that I developed as a child that I continue to carry with me as an adult. These Foundational Beliefs shape how I see myself, how I see others, my expectations entering a room and my interpretations of the day's events. Foundational Beliefs are powerful lenses that we see the world through.
I had a sever stutter growing up. I would get caught on sounds and be unable to get the words out. Kindergarten through third grade were an incredible challenge. I was terrified that someone would want to talk to me or that I would be called on to speak in class because I knew that there was a good chance that I would not be able to get all the words out. I began practicing what I was going to say in my head before I actually spoke the words, going over the sentences to try to eliminate problematic sounds and phrases. Little kids laughing at you is hard, but it was secondary to how I felt about myself. I was so angry that my body would not do what I wanted it to. I felt such bitterness towards myself because I could not get out my thoughts and feelings without having a lengthy internal monologue. Every word that I spoke was measured in a cost/benefit analysis. Would the value of speaking and connecting with people outweigh the potential pain and embarrassment of stuttering again? Often it was just easier to be quiet and listen...gravitating towards the fringes. I chose sports like swimming where I was underwater for most of the time and did not need to speak. I took on support roles instead of leading roles. I convinced myself that my voice did not matter so that I would not be disappointed that I could not reliably use it.
I have learned to mask my stutter over the years through speech therapy and by recognizing some of the triggers. Fatigue and stress will make the issues more pronounced. There are still some times where I go to start a sentence that begins with a vowel and cannot get anything out. Fortunately I have a large vocabulary and can usually think up a way to start the sentence with a consonant in order to get rolling without most people noticing. Now I find myself talking all the time. All. The. Time. I have meetings and public speaking events and fundraising events and trainings sessions and more meetings and so on and so on. I have mostly conquered my fears of public speaking and talking with people in small groups...but I have found that I still carry those Foundational Beliefs with me. I am usually tempted to listen from the outside instead of speaking up. I gravitate towards service instead of leadership. I frequently find myself believing that I am the outsider whose voice does not matter.
I bring this up not to fish for affirmation or wallow in self-pity. I bring it up to point to the power of Foundational Beliefs which are often embraced when we are children. People see what they are looking for. Once you take on a belief that you are an outsider, you will see more and more supporting evidence. Once you believe that you are funny, you will see more and more supporting evidence and that belief will grow into becoming an integral part of you.
The youth that come to Joel's Place are smack dab in the middle of establishing their Foundational Beliefs. Beliefs about themselves...about how the world works...about who God is...about what they can and cannot do. Many of our kids already have the understanding that they are unwanted...undesirable...broken in some way. They may come from homes where one or both parents have left. They may come from a home where one or both parents are abusive. They may have trouble learning at school or troubles sitting still or difficulty speaking. They come to us feeling insecure and angry and afraid. They come with the unspoken whisper of a hope that someone might think they are valuable...worthwhile...not a mistake or an accident. Could their voice actually matter?
Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes. Joel's Place is here to offer a chance. A chance to exchange these doubts, fears and insecurities for a new set of Foundational Beliefs. The teens who come through our doors are Adventurous and Creative, filled with laughter, capable of deep friendships and they are loved. So immensely loved. They are loved by our staff and even more by their Heavenly Father who created them unique and perfect, not a mistake in the whole group.
These are the Foundational Beliefs we want to pass on to the kids who come to Joel's Place. The more they hang out here, the more they take those in...the more they put them on and take ownership of them. This is Eternal Work we are doing here and I am so honored to be a part of it.
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